Plain & Simple

Fancy Internet

2009-12-19T19:51:00.001-08:00

Flurry
Originally uploaded by HollySoule

So due to lack of anything better to do, i've recently created a Flickr account and now, obviously, reignited my interest in my bog (we'll see how long that lasts). This post is really to brige the cap between my photo sharing site and my blog, who knew it would be so simple? Within two clicks they were bridged. Simple pleasures and enjoy the moments when things go quick and painless, cause few other things will be this way...

I took this photo umm last week? The wind blew the snow off the trees so when i took the shot it appeared to be snowing. For some reason i kind of like it, even though i know it's not terribly exciting. I feel though that i usually like the works that aren't known as the best, always the runners up. When i'm at a museum i always get captivated by a painting or whatever by an artist i've never heard of and i can never find a print or a poster of it anywhere... not even at the museum itself! Imagine my disappointment.

Flickr

2009-12-19T19:46:00.001-08:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Here we are 2+ years later.

2009-12-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

So through the existence of my fathers new blog and Meagan's blog i realized that i had once created my own. Not realizing it had been in 2007 i went on the hunt for my old blog. I make it sound like a journey when all i had to do was enter my hotmail account name and get the old password sent to myself. Well, some journeys are short and sweet i guess, for the i-need-satisfaction-now types like myself, these journeys are the most rewarding kind.

Now that i'm here i'm not quite sure what i'll say. Lets just say i found this old post of my own from 2007 and couldn't help but feel like i really need to take my own advice. Or at least try a little harder to.

"I have placed all these events in motion. I am the reason these things are happening. So why should I cry? I did it. The good and the bad – I created the outcome. I create my destiny. So why should I be upset? Why should I worry? These days are my own; they will be what I make them. And from now on, I vow to make them great, or at least try." - Me in 2007

Summer Acceptance

2007-05-18T19:08:00.000-07:00

Everything feels different. Music really reflects my mood latley. I could tell at school i was anxious and under pressure. And most of all stressed to all hell. Now that i'm home i'm listening to more mellow stuff. I've picked up some Joshua Radin, and Imogen Heap which is the most amazing stuff i've heard in a long long time. I'm a woman obsessed.
Either way, i've calmed down because theres nothing to get all riled up about here. Nothing. I mean, i miss people and i'm having my knee scoped again a week from today. So i'm more at the point of acceptance. Because there's no point in not accepting whats going on, it's all beyond my control. so i can't really do anything about it can i?
I really wish i could get out of Littleton though. It's such a tease to be at school alllll year and be on my own and make my own decisions about where i want to go and when i want to leave. But now i'm home my parents ultimately decide everything still. it just feels weird and i hate it.

2007-05-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about death and people who have passed in our life time. Personally the first person who was close to me in my family who died was my Grandmother on my mothers side. She was the relative in my extended family who i was the closest to. Then again i only knew her from birth till i was about 12. She died when i was in sixth grade and it didn't really hit me even when i was standing over her in the hospital, not until she was actually dead and i was home in Littleton thinking about it that the realization that i would never see her again set in. Everyone knows this is a hard thing to deal with, especially if you're younger. Anyways, she died around mothers day and so that is what prompted my thinking about her.
I was thinking that it's strange how the people with the most wisdom and insight, who have been around the longest who could really help you in times like now, when you're in college when you're struggling are taken away from you when you're so you you don't even realize what you have. You don't realize that these people are full of information ready to tell you endless stories. Now this applies for more than just my grandmother, it extends out to my grandfather who had Parkinsons disease and after about six years of living in a nursing home in practically a vegetative state, died. And my Great Uncle Fred who died in the same year as my Grandfather and he was always a good one to talk to. It's just that now, in this past semester I've been more depressed than I've ever been. It's been borderline scary. But i guess I'm an adolescent who goes through these phases I'm just hoping to turn over a newer happier more optimistic leaf, but it's proving to be very difficult. And i was just wondering how different life would be if these people were in it. If these people who left when i was so young and so closed minded to the outside world were still here, what our conversations would be. If they would help, hoping that someone might have something encouraging and uplifting to say.
Then again whats the point in looking back, there is only ahead. You only have now and today. Better make today good damnit cause it's only gonna happen once.

think this is unreasonable. I see how when you're first starting out you really want to be with that other person a lot, The next subject i'm moving on to--- it's crazy how some people in relationships can, or in their case they say they choose to let that relationship and that other person just take over their life. Some people say i'm wrong, or that i'll never really love someone because i want so much space and i expect there to be a lot of space and time to be with other friends in a relationship. I dontthats understandable, but people who freak out when they dont see the person for an extended period of time a day i find really...really out of control. Maybe it's because i play a sport and take classes and have friends that i think it's fair to try and see your significant other at least every day i guess, but you have to go into that knowing that maybe you're not going to see them for very long some days. Maybe i'm just not a clingly person and the people i'm observing are. Maybe i just have a weird outlook, who knows. I just know that i'm usually the one fending off the other person, maybe it's because i have never really cared about someone as much as they have me. You know, these are all very likley possibilities. I just know that right now, in this moment i'm missing someone and ever since i left school i've been missing them and to be honest i'm scared. I've never been like this before. Ask Meagan.

2007-05-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

Last week
was the worst week of my life.

I've gotten better
But now
I feel like i'm slipping again

I feel, alone.
helpless
and out of control

I dont want to go home
I dont want to stay here
I dont know what to do
I just want to go
Leave
Leave.

I've never felt like this before
I can't handle it.

I dont like it
or understand it

So random
So new.
So horrible.

"Something isn't right, this is our last goodnight"

2007-04-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

This semester has been a doozy. I really stoped writing in here. And probably with good reason.

Lets just say anything that could have happened probably did. Aside from babies and people dieing. Haha. Well i was having a good talk with a good friend and we agreed that this semester has been a "live and learn" type of thing. Just one of those 'learning' semesters. Where you try everything once and see how you like it. I've decided i don't like a lot of things. But you know, i feel like in order to find out i had to screw a lot of things up and really just try them to know how it would go. I'm not good with predicting the outcome of a situation so i just have to go ahead and try it out before i can decide. So somethings that leads me the wrong way, but now i at least know for sure those things aren't for me.

Communication.

2007-03-31T12:29:00.000-07:00

It's funny how perceptions can be so wrong. For instance, the people who thought that Doug and i were in a relationship after only having been seen alone together on two occasions. Hilarious. I just feel bad when the perceptions are my fault for not clarifying. You can really screw things up between people. Communication is key with any relationship; leaving people out of something can end up brining your relationship down and sometimes ruining or impairing it. Recently I’ve been having a few communication mishaps. One is beyond repair and I’m beginning to not care. If neither of us attempts then what’s the point? Everything with my friend who I left in the dark is going swimmingly, everything’s up to speed and I’m sorry I wasn’t more upfront with you in the first place.

2007-02-04T06:27:00.001-08:00

I've learned to give people a chance.
Don't assume you know everything about someone
chances are you don't.

vent time.

2007-02-01T13:15:00.000-08:00

Meanwhile, back in sanity.
This campus is chock full of crazy people!

Random statments that i would never say to these peoples face

-Stop singing to me in the shower
-Good job for getting arrested
-Don't open your door, it smells in there and out here we don't appreciate that. Oh and who grunts/talks on the phone while in a public bathroom stall!?
-What are you good for you don't even own Grease?!
-Get over it. You're insane it's never going to happen.
-You can't paint, stop thinking you can. The professor is confused at how lame your work is.
-Simply put, you're so unstable it's funny.

AHhhh just one of those goddamn days.
i know that that was a lot of dumping on innocent people with simple disorders that they can't contol, well some of them, and you know they can make fun of me as much as they want. I could care less i just needed to vent.

Anberlin - Naive Orleans

2007-01-31T13:24:00.000-08:00

Anberlin's Naive Orleans is so my theme song of 2007 (thank you Meagan).

Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And the world still turns when you're not around

Is this the way you want it
Is this the way it has to be
Sitting here beside you when my heart's lost in New Orleans
Dreams come clever
Hearts now sever
Difference of forever
And I'm lost there

Everyday i listen to this song more and more, i just can't get enough of it, basically for the lines "And I finally found that life goes on without you/and the world still turns when you're not around". It makes me think of so many different people and so many different situations. Last semester i had a hard time with some people who i saw as my closest friends. And durning winter break i was really sad because i thought i was going to be losing all these great friendships and now in this semester i realize that i don't need these people and gaining and losing people is a way of life. It's not really regreatable. People come and go, get used to it is all i have to say to myself now. Sure you'll miss them for a while, but chances are you'll find someone just as good or better in the future. I'm not saying fuck the people in the past, i still would like to stay in contact with all my dear friends. It's just that you can't get stuck. You can't limit yourself.

There are a lot of people i miss this year, but you know i've gained so much more by expanding my horizons. I limited myself a lot last year and i'm not about to make that same mistake. I'm free and can do what i please and i plan on keeping it that way and making more smart decision. Plus i have awesome good true people in my life, thank you Ashley. Who knew you could be basically best friends in two weeks? Umm i guess we can blame dorm living. And obviously Meagan, my bestest truest friendest at NEC since freshmen year!

-Sigh- Thanks to everyone.

Update

2007-01-30T09:39:00.000-08:00

Beta fish wars. Everyone seems interested in Ashley and I's idea. We are planning on buying two beta fish and then placing them in the same tank and whoever comes out on top gets to be our pet fish and have the honored title of "beta fish champion". Whoever I tell this idea too says they want an invite to the actual fish fight. Hopefully it'll be be good and maybe some under the table betting will take place. I just hope that one of them is alive enough at the end to remain healthy and be our pet. hehe. I’m pretty excited.
Meanwhile I’ve been pretty good at going to the gym, sure it's only day three of mission fitness but its going swimmingly, Ashley is a good motivator. However she'll be in season soon so I don’t know if she'll be going as much? Oh well.
This semester seems like it'll be all right, not great but all right academically wise. Future events outside of academia look pretty exciting, I can't reveal all because then I would just be getting myself into trouble.

At Home

2007-01-26T20:39:00.000-08:00

So for the first 'offical' weekend back at NEC i'm home. Well i needed to come home because i've been wearing glasses the entire first week. So everyone i've meet will no longer be able to recognize me! haha well they'll be fine. I'm just glad to be getting some new contacts. Having eye issues was getting really old.
Meanwhile, schools good. But who cares, rooming with Ashely is cool. She's really nice and we get a long well with matching forts. Last night we ran around the dorm knocking on peoples doors and then waiting for them to answer and proceeding to shoot them in the face with our nerf guns. While doing this we ran into Dan Gilmore who actually ended up giving us a black light. Pretty sweet. So while i'm home i bought another black lightbulb so we'll be all pimped out, and it'll be great cause we have glow in the dark nerf darts. Wow. We're so the cool room.
I'm just glad to be back at school. Coming home reminded me how lonley and boring it is to be here and how pathetic winter break was. I've already had more fun in one week at NEC than the whole month in Littleton. I guess it's what you make of it.

Old TV story.

2007-01-24T07:45:00.000-08:00

To much has been happening. It's been awesome. First i thought it would suck not having a TV, then roomie, Ashely said she had one somewhere that she found by the river. Awesome, free TV. So we get it hook it up to cable it works, not getting all the channels, but a lot. And then, out of no where it dies and we only get channel nine really fuzzy and basically black and white. Shit. So some nerdy handymen from down the hall say they'll fix it. Whip out a tool kit and sodering iron and bam, we're back in business. It's one of those TV's where to change the channel you have to turn the knob. it's pretty sweet. We also have nerf darts. I suggest you come play.

...And Break!

2007-01-18T15:01:00.000-08:00

On most accounts this has been a pretty shat tackular break. Then again, last year i didn't really have a winter break so i have nothing to compare it too. However, sitting at home for about a month is not appealing and i do not wish to do it again. Taking one online class, though it gives me something to do, leaves me less inspired. Unless i'm at school, taking a class is really pointless.
The only good thing about this break has been Jessica Godbout, thank god for her. Even when i lost my license i was always able to count on leaving the house at least once that day by going to the gym with her. And it's a damn good thing i kept going to the gym since i was spending so much time sitting on my ass and making cookies. All i can say to jess is, Ketchup and Chocolate milk! Air Suck, Avril Lavigne will sing us into fitness!, no they are not fake peanuts, and thanks for driving me everywhere!
It's sad that i'm actually excited to return to Henniker, but i mean, it is the only one on earth... ick. Oh well i'll be swimming in western ave pizza and watching bad movies with Meagan before i know it, and it will be glorious. The only thing i don't really want to think about is how i'm returning to a half empty room. I mean it's great and sucks at the same time. Great to have the space! sucks that Elise is gone.

Karamel Sutra

2007-01-13T18:11:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking, why does it seem like when you’re explaining about yourself people always ask you what you’re favorite things are. Will telling someone that you’re favorite place to eat is McDonalds really give them an insight into who you are? I don’t really think so. I mean you could always try and read into those things, like when I say that my favorite color is white. People sometimes say, ahh you know that isn’t a color right? It’s the absence of color. Wow maybe you’re hollow inside, maybe you’re really bland and maybe you don’t have very high spirits. I guess maybe, but I don’t think so.

This whole thing got sparked by my facebook. I was looking at how empty it is since I deleted my “about me” section and a few other things. But I was just thinking how I should write something there. Then I realized, how do I sum up me in approximately five sentences? I don’t. So what would I write then? My favorite things? Wow, that’s exciting, because everyone wants to know that I love Calla Lilies and Karamel Sutra ice cream. Who knows maybe someone will add me as a friend because they too like Karamel Sutra ice cream and then…. Oh goodie… my friend count will go up by one with a person I’m never ever going to speak to.

With this attitude I’d assume you’d be thinking, why don’t you just delete your damn facebook then you cynical wench! And I’d agree, I’ve thought about it, but it is a good way to communicate with people you actually like but are not so friendly that you talk on IM or call each other. It’s a good middle ground.

If you feel so inclined leave your favorite type of Ben and Jerrys.
Since i talked about Karamel Sutra so much, i want to be a hypocrite (sort of) and inquire about what kind of ice cream you like.

(new pictures at the bottom)

"Let me out"

2007-01-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

Earlier today i found out about my license (read below) and i was pissed, obviously. But then i came to this realization--

I have placed all these events in motion. I am the reason these things are happening. So why should I cry? I did it. The good and the bad – I created the outcome. I create my destiny. So why should I be upset? Why should I worry? These days are my own; they will be what I make them. And from now on, I vow to make them great, or at least try.

So even though earlier today i was crying and pissed and thinking, wow 2007 really hates me doesn't it? You know, i'm so sick of being that person, the one with the negative attitude, you know who i'm talking about.

Fuck the State of NH

2007-01-10T12:17:00.000-08:00

For those who didn't know, i recently got a $250 speeding ticket from a state trooper one weekend when i was driving home to Littleton from Henniker. I was going 83 ina 65 and got fucked so hard up the ass i think i'm still bleeding. However, i thought taht after i paied everything would be fine. Well turns out that they want to take my license away. For 45 days starting whenever i give it to them, or i can go to court on January 23rd at eight in the morning. And what is that going to accomplish? Nothing, probably i'll have to give them more money for nothing. So i'm sending in my license and to get it back i'm going to have to pay them another $50. I'm so pissed right now. So pissed. So now i have to get a ride back to school and have my parents pick me up and i obviously can't have my car at school because i can't drive it. And wow, it's all my fault. All of it. This sucks so bad. I'm so incredibly angry.

The Plan

2007-01-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

Everything is going according to plan. I'm acing my Internationl Politics class without breaking a sweat, Jess and i are still going to the gym everyday. I'm keeping in contact with Meagan as we plan our quasi eventful upcoming semester. Either way we are part of the Edge Magazine- Whatever that means. Hopefully we will induldge in some massivly awesome shenanigans because that's what i need more of in my life, some shenanigans. Either way i'm happy to be going back to school, even if Elise and Tom won't be there. Which sucks.

I talked to Tom tonight. It broke my heart a little, he's over in Boston starting over at a new school, new territory, doing his thing. He sounded a bit sad. But i know he'll be fine once he gets into the swing of things. He's a big boy.

Meanwhile i've been getting these odd headaches, they're not really headaches at all. More like a shooting pain that goes from the front of my head to the back making me stop in my tracks and wince with pain. Someone comfortingly offered that i have a brain tumor. Really. Not helpful people.

If i fail, well then i fail

2007-01-04T15:04:00.000-08:00

Today i advise you all to go out and buy the Cartle CD.
Thank you Brian Dunn.

Recent things that have bothered me
New Years Jokes (ie, see you next year! etc)
The phrase "Everything Happens for a Reason" (oh yeah what reason is that?)
Qunatative Meathonds (if anyone actually knows what the is, please tell me. Thank god i droped that class)

Recent things that have made me happy
Going to the gym with Jess
Hot Baths
Talking to Meagan Online
Realizing i'm not such a loser and waking up from my brain being on vacation shut down

It's been a strange few days. But i've come up with one thing- a montra for 2007, fuck resolutions i'm so cool i got a montra. Sure it's not to deep but you know if you're going to say it over and over to yourself it has to be simple and easy to remember. --I'm here for you--. Just a little something to say in my head to reasure myself that i'll always have someone, Me.

Basically

2007-01-03T16:47:00.000-08:00

Recently i've realized that most music is either about breaking up or falling in love. Now this i don't understand, why does everyone always have to be in some sort of love? Apparently we're either sad from not having it or are soooo damn happy we're in it. What happend to music that doesn't need to tell me how to feel? Because of this recent issue i've had with music the only bands i've been able to accept are Guster, Shinedown and the occasional Hoobastank song. I mean, sometimes we just want to listen to music and not have it make us think of a million different things. I just want to fill the background noise and sing along sometimes.
This weekend the family will probably be traveling to Maine to vist my brother, who has recently moved there and started a new job. Very exciting. Too bad i miss him. Oh well, everyones got to start their life at some point.

Love or Lust... you figure it out

2007-01-03T16:23:00.000-08:00

I guess i wrote this a long long time ago, back when i had LiveJournal and i thought it was... funny? haha.

LOVE is on my mind….Love; now there’s something no one can explain. It’s always the thing that people are like “there are no words” blah blah. But honestly what constitutes good love? Can you honestly ‘love’ someone after a week of just hanging out? What is a problem these days is when people think they ‘love’ someone when in fact it’s just pure lust. So really the whole situation will probably only be as good as sex then once that gets old the relationship will probably end. Contrary to popular belief there is a difference between Lust and Love, sure lust is a part of love, but love is not a part of lust. Lust, as dictionary.com tells us, is Intense or unrestrained sexual craving. Where love is described as A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person. See the difference there? Describing the two in a few words; Love = an actual relationship where Lust = Sex. Some people find it hard to tell the difference between the two and that’s where they get all messed up. It used to be that things would be harder when you broke up if you had sex or had said I love you. But now a days those things mean absolutely nothing. People throw out “I love yous” like kids throwing out candy at parades! I mean that shits everywhere! And sex, not like there is any meaning involved in that anymore. People just want to do it to do it. The only times I ever feel like something could actually be love, I just have to have this special connection with someone right off… that’s the only way I know something will actually work out… it’s never steered me wrong before, sure people can say that I could be missing out on other people but it’s not like I don’t give other people who I’m interested in a chance. Its just … sometimes you get a feeling… and you just want to know the person and you just want to talk to them and find out about them… For me that’s a feeling I don’t get to often and when I do find someone I feel that way about usually good things end up.

[Disclaimer] Well I just want to say that all that I just said is just my opinion and how I feel, I’m not picking on certain people or analyzing specific situations.